I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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