I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
