If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize