my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
