Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
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But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
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That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.