I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.