My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
naw, they were rude, not me.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.