I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
