Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
