from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
