omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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