Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
