so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
