I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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