You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
