I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
