Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
