Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
