I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
