i would punch a child for taco bell
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
