Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
