The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
