It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
