Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
