i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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