The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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