i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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