I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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