Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
