Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
