Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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