i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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