So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
