I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
