just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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