i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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