remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
