i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Everything about him screamed your future.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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