tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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