why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
