if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
