I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
