In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
