My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
