Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
