Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
