Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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