I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
