so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
