he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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