he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
