1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they need to just BURY HIM!
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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