also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
