Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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