my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
