Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
