i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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